Page published on 21st October 2024
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***Trigger warning – contains discussion of suicide***
10 September 2024 was World Suicide Prevention Day, and IP Inclusive and Jonathan’s Voice presented a webinar around the theme of Changing the Narrative. We were delighted to be joined by Dr Susie Bennett, a psychologist and research fellow at the Suicidal Behaviour Research Lab at the University of Glasgow. According to the Office for National Statistics there were 6,069 deaths by suicide in 2023, an increase on the previous year, and men’s deaths outnumbered women’s by 3 to 1[1]. In fact every year since records began in 1861, more men than women have died by suicide.
Susie’s research has found that male suicide is linked to a wide spectrum of complicated and diverse behaviours, making it hard to identify risk factors. What they do all share is that they are experiencing a crisis of pain and are often ill equipped with tools to manage that pain. This is where Susie feels the narrative around suicide can change from being about mental health to instead a discussion around pain. Susie described everyone having a tank of pain, because to be human is to experience pain. There is a pipe at the top filling the tank with exposure to pain, and a drain at the bottom representing those tools we use to regulate pain. Most of us have ways to manage the level of pain in that tank, but if someone doesn’t have the tools to let the pain out of the bottom, the tank will fill to crisis point.
This vivid image gives us a starting point for conversations around suicidal crisis. What are the things historically and presently that are causing pain? What tools are available to regulate that pain, and are they actually helping?; for example drinking to excess or gambling may offer momentary relief, but may cause more pain exposure in the longer term. What are the individual’s signs that they are approaching that threshold of pain where it becomes intolerable? What is happening in the world that makes men vulnerable to their tanks filling with pain, and what is happening to their regulation tools? What happens to men when they are at that threshold? This is a key understanding to start trying to find ways to help.
Susie wants her research to be used to help educate professionals, family members and people with suicidal thoughts with ways to navigate that pain tank. On her website www.malesuicideresearch.com she shares talks, podcasts and public guides in accessible language. There are guides that look at specific norms of masculinity and how harmful they can be, the barriers around seeking help, and developing training for health professionals to ensure the help available is effective. Male suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 and yet there is no specific training for health professionals around the suicide risk factors and so Susie is working on something to fill that gap.
And this is a global crisis, with the pattern of higher male suicide death rates repeated in every country around the world except China, suggesting there is something universal in the male experience, albeit with cultural differences. Factors in suicidal pain range from an individual level right up to societal and cultural levels. However, there is hope, with male peer support groups springing up in many communities, which is perhaps a starting point in changing the narrative around the male experience.
The driver behind Susie’s guides is to give the information she has accumulated to those who need it most. Those in suicidal crisis often experience a sense of profound isolation, and so knowing that others have experienced similar feelings, whether through finding the guides or a peer support group, can be a way in to opening a dialogue. In the West we live in individualised cultures, and on top of that the masculine norms of male independence, male self-reliance, being in control, keeping emotions to yourself result in cutting off men from social and emotional nutrients. As individuals and as a society it is essential to recognise the need for men to feel a sense of connection and belonging and mattering.
How do we start that conversation?
There are two levels of conversation around suicide prevention regardless of the gender of the person having suicidal thoughts: what to do when someone is in active crisis, and in the longer term reducing the possibility of returning to active crisis. Susie describes being in suicidal crisis as being in the storm. Whilst in that storm it is utterly horrific, but it cannot be sustained forever. The intensity of suicidal feelings is such that we think the body cannot sustain being in that feeling indefinitely, and so the emotions of the crisis ebb and flow – like a storm that comes and goes. What is needed then is a plan, made whilst not in the storm, for how to ride it out. The conversation starts with yourself and acknowledging that you are someone who, when your pain becomes too much, may start to think about suicide. By acknowledging it to yourself, you can start to think about what you are going to do when that storm comes, because when not in the storm you want to live. Once the storm has passed, you can look at the longer term and strengthen your regulation tools. An important tool when not in active crisis is to tell trusted others what to watch out for, because when in active crisis you may well not reach out.
For most people it is not normal to have conversations around suicide, which often means conversations may turn to banter or trivialising. By changing the narrative around suicide, whilst acknowledging it is hard to talk about, it may become more comfortable to talk about it. There is a balance to be found between normalising having thoughts and feelings around suicide and taking those thoughts seriously. It is not within an individual’s power to take another’s pain away for them. Instead, the role of the listener is to help the person in crisis to regulate their pain. Often that can just be listening with compassion, even though it can be acutely painful to hear their distress.
In summary Susie described compassion as the understanding that men can be deeply harmed by life. Our empathy is socialised in gender norms so that we more readily see men as causing harm in their life rather than men being harmed, and we see them in positions of privilege and power rather than seeing all the ways in which men are struggling. To really change the narrative we must see past any assumptions we may have and start to think about how society can best help men effectively regulate pain.
If you have been affected by the webinar or blog content please, please make use of these sources of information and support, or at any time if you find yourself – or someone you care about – struggling:
- LawCare runs a free confidential helpline (0800 279 6888) and an online chat service. Those are available to anyone who works in the legal sector, including IP professionals and business support professionals, and their families.
- The “Need help?” page of the Jonathan’s Voice website signposts a range of useful resources, including their own mental wellbeing guides, as does the mental health and wellbeing page of the IP Inclusive website.
- The Samaritans operate a 24/7 helpline on 116 123, again free and confidential.
If you enjoyed the webinar and/or this blog, Susie will be speaking in person at another Jonathan’s Voice and IP Inclusive event, hosted by Keltie LLP in London on 21 November 2024. For more information and to book, please see our event page for A Deep Dive into Men’s Mental Health and Suicide Prevention.
[1] https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2023