As part of our series of Menopause Stories, Jane has produced a series of blog entries on her menopause journey. This is the first set of entries, on the pre-diagnosis symptoms she experienced.
Dear Ω
You know how sometimes things don’t quite line up in your head? I’ve been getting a lot of that recently.
It’s been suggested to me to journal the weirdness – like writing a diary or writing a series of notes to a dear friend. Dear diary seems weird and impersonal, so I’m writing my “journal” to you, my dearest Ω. Anyway, the theory is documenting it all will help me process it and perhaps understand what is going on. Bet you never thought you’d hear me talk about me quite so much.
So, where to start? I’m not right, that’s for sure.
I can’t seem to remember anything straight. Stuff I used to know really well, like where the Sellotape is. Man, I feel a lot like I’m turning into the husband. I’m the organised one, and he’s the less organised one. What the heck is going to happen if I turn into the disorganised one? Ick, I won’t be me at all.
I don’t understand why I seem to bounce between feeling excited, to feeling miserable, to feeling like all I need is a hug, to wanting to be on my own.
I don’t really know what’s going on. I can’t think straight either I don’t know what to do next. It’s like things that I used to know aren’t there anymore. Things that I do know how to do just aren’t quite going to plan. Things that I wish I knew aren’t sticking when I try to learn them. So yeah, it’s, it’s all a bit weird.
I don’t think that I’m depressed. I don’t think that I’m having some kind of breakdown. At least I hope I’m not. But I don’t understand. And you know me, not understanding, not knowing why, is the hardest part.
Me
Dear Ω
Here I am again. I’m not feeling as bad. It’s not as bad today and that’s good.
When I last wrote, I didn’t really know where things were, and I couldn’t remember stuff. But today is a pretty good day, things seem quite normal. And that’s great.
I don’t really understand why it would feel like a normal day today and why the other day didn’t. The other day felt like I was having some kind of breakdown. So relieved I’m not. So yeah, thank you. Thank you for letting me “write to you”.
Me
Dear Ω
Blrrrgghhh. So, yeah, I thought things were going better. And now, again, I feel like I’m forgetting literally everything, and I can’t think straight, and I feel like that I am getting so emotional at times.
Just the tiniest little thing will tip me over and push me to just spontaneously cry. And that’s really hard. I’m getting really pretty fed up with crying at some people for no particular reason other than I just see them. I’m fed up with just crying at things that don’t even matter.
And I think where I am, is just wanting to understand better where I am, what’s happening and why. I mean, I’m a bright person. I’m not stupid. I know I have my history of depression and anxiety, and maybe I am back there, but I really don’t think so. This feels different. Feels different to where I’ve been before. It feels like a block between my normal thoughts and where I should be, where I want to be.
I feel like I can hear myself and know that these things aren’t quite right and that I don’t know where I am. Then I get angry at myself, and I get upset at myself for being angry and then I get angry at myself for making myself upset, and then husband and the dog get all worried and then I feel guilty for upsetting them, and it goes round and round.
Aaagghh. I feel like my mind is melting and I don’t know where to go and that’s a bit scary. Especially after having felt good again. So why is it going up and down? Why is it there? Why is it not? Sometimes there are more questions than answers.
Me
Dear Ω
Seems like spontaneous crying is the thing at the moment. Again, I’ve just been in floods of tears for no apparent reason, and in the office, at home, and with friends.
And the last few nights I really haven’t slept well. Lots of stuff running through my head. It feels like it should be anxiety, but it isn’t because it’s not stuff I’m particularly worried about. It doesn’t feel the same as anxiety. I just have thoughts running away with themselves in my head. Then I can’t sleep, but they run because I can’t sleep.
I also can’t sleep because it’s so warm. I keep throwing off the covers, which is irritating husband as he’s then getting cold. Keep telling him he’s nesh but he won’t accept it. I wake up sopping wet, sheets sopping wet, and just feeling gross.
I do wonder if I’m sickening for something – maybe Covid again, which might also explain some of the fogginess, the fuzziness in my head.
Maybe it also explains some of the really random emotions, and random thoughts but how could that have been going on for a couple of months. I didn’t think the temperature stuff was part of long covid. I don’t know, it doesn’t feel the same as when I had Covid first time. I guess maybe it’s a different variant or something. Whatever, it sucks. I wish I could feel better. I wish I felt like I could sleep and like I could think straight and like I could just concentrate. Sigh.
Me